As you may have heard by now, Kevin Hart is a gay-hating loser who will no longer host the 2019 Academy Awards.
He had agreed to do so, but then resigned from the post after refusing to apologize for a handful of inappropriate Tweets and jokes from several years ago.
But we’re not here to delve into this scandal once again.
We’re here to move past Kevin Hart and look forward to February 24, 2019.
That’s the date on which the Oscars will air. It’s fast approaching… and there’s suddently a need for a new host.
Who should step in for Hart? Our staff has hunkered down and come up with a few ideas.
Which of the following candidates do you most endorse?
PATTON OSWALT by Tyler Johnson
Confession time: I’m a fan of Kevin Hart’s standup (his movies are a different story entirely), and when I first learned that he had been forced to step down from his gig hosting the Oscars, I was prepared to defend him.
Then I actually read the remarks that had everyone so pissed off.
Hart’s jabs at the LGBT community weren’t jokes; they were indications of a backward and bigoted worldview, and being a comedian doesn’t give one the freedom to hide behind a clown nose in response to every backlash.
That said, it can be tough for comics these days to push the envelope, while not straying too far from the progressive political views the Academy looks for in its hosts.
An opening monologue that won’t piss off the crowd or bore everyone to tears is a tricky tightrope walk, and the list of funny folk who can pull it off is a short one:
And in my mind, Patton Oswalt is at the very top of that list
This is an idea that was first floated by Stephen King and has since caught fire on Twitter.
As King points out, Oswalt, is sharply funny, consistently unproblematic, and he knows a thing or two about film.
(A bit naive of Steve to think the Academy really cares about that last part, but we see his point.)
Perhaps more importantly, Patton is the king of the comedy-tragedy balancing act.
After all, this is a guy who addressed the unexpected overdose death of his wife in his standup act without ever coming off as morbid or maudlin.
Many Americans rightly feel that 2018 has been a year loaded with tragedy — so what better way to top it off than with the droll and bone-dry comedy of Patton Oswalt?
KATE McKINNON by Hilton Hater
Kate McKinnon should not host the Oscars to film some kind of quota.
Kate McKinnon should host the Oscars because she is downright hilarious.
Yes, it would be a very nice change of pace for a woman to step into this role, as Ellen DeGeneres took on the gig in 2014, but prior to that you would need to go back to 2001 for the last time a woman hosted solo.
(Anne Hathaway shared the job with James Franco in 2011, but let’s never speak of that experiment ever again.)
And, yes, in the #MeToo era, of course, Hollywood would benefit from having some estrogen on stage.
But those are merely two periphery reasons why McKinnon is right for the role.
Others include: she can sing, she can dance, she is NOT a late-night talk show host, she can do impressions, she’s universally liked — and did we mention that she’s hilarious?
Seriously, find us one person who would object to this selection.
It ought to either be McKinnon or the gayest celebrity organizers can find.
Stay by your phone, Billy Eichner!
ELLEN DEGENERES and THE ROCK by Simon Delott
Awards shows are tricky, and the Oscars are no exception.
They matter, but at the same time, we’ve all seen enough leaked Oscar slips to know that the people voting are the worst people on the planet.
However, the show itself is entertaining and audiences love tuning in to watch their favorite stars in the audience.
Audiences also love to see — and have opinions about — the host.
Now that Kevin Hart’s role as a host has gone the way of the dodo after his “joke” about homophobic child-abuse, we need something better.
Ellen and The Rock hail from both sides of the political aisle.
That’s right, The Rock is a conservative, if more of a California conservative. He is currently registered as an Independent.
They are both deeply charismatic, widely beloved despite political views, and incredibly famous.
Full disclosure: I had considered both Ellen and The Rock separately. That was before I saw Chrissy Teigen tweet that they would make an amazing hosting team.
So Chrissy deserves the credit for this suggestion. I just enthusiastically support it.
You’d have an easier time listing the people who don’t like The Rock or Ellen than the ones who do.
ARIANA GRANDE by Emily Trainham
Kevin Hart was going to host the Oscars, but now he’s not, because it’s 2018 and homophobia isn’t cool.
In trying to think of a suitable replacement for him, we have to think of popular comedians, since those are usually the types who get such a gig.
So let’s see, comedians who get a lot of attention … there’s Ellen, of course, but she hosted not too long ago.
There’s been a ton of talk about Louis CK and Bill Cosby lately, but, uh, they’re probably not available.
Ooh, you know who else has been in the news lately who can be funny from time to time?
He’s on Saturday Night Live, the kids seem to like him, he might be a fresh new pick for … oh, wait.
Ariana Grande. Ariana Grande should be the new host.
Sorry, Pete, for making you just a stepping stone to the real answer here, but if the Academy wants someone fresh and exciting and entertaining, Ariana is clearly the answer.
She can act, she can sing, she can dance – she’s got it all.
She’d bring in a whole new audience, and you know she’d have some killer jokes up her undoubtedly fashionable sleeves.
Actually, why wasn’t Ariana Grande the first choice of host? Why isn’t Ariana Grande the first choice for everything?
Make it so, Academy.